Thursday, March 12, 2009

Maybe not...

I assume that most of the people that have stumbled across my blog have already heard our not-so-big news via facebook or on Lauren's carepage.

I can't help but think of Paul Harvey as I share "the rest of the story."

Honestly, this week has been awfully tough on me. It's been a little thing here, some other thing here, and just the never-endedness of it at times. I stayed up late last night chatting with Tim so that we could straighten out all the everythings that are going on at home. As luck would have it, Lauren woke up super-early. Our morning schedule kind of fell apart, and we were just hanging out in the playroom looking for the elusive "something else" to keep us busy. One of the child-life specialists even asked me how I was doing because I looked so out of sorts this morning. (She later told me that she thought that was the first time I looked upset and actually admitted it to her.)

Around 10:30, the transplant coordinator stopped by to tell me that something was in the works. Of course, we've been warned time and time again that there may be false-starts. I called Tim, but I was cautiously guarded for some time. They said they'd know more in about an hour.

Several hours passed without much more news. Meanwhile, Lauren's feeds were held and IV fluids started so that she'd be ready for surgery.

The longer I waited, the more excited I got. I knew that no news meant that things were still going well and nothing had stuck out as a reason to turn-down the heart.

By late afternoon, a good five hours after I first heard about the possibility, Lauren's primary cardiologist was looking quite excited. I actually can't ever remember him looking excited or pleased -- ever. He walked by once and just nodded his head. I kept hoping and praying.

By four o'clock, I was quite optimistic. Dr. H looked at me and said, "It's a go." At about the same time, he turned to the cardiology fellow and told him to activate the orders. I joked that it sounded like a nuclear attack.

Unfortunately, less than an hour later, the coordinator came back to tell me that they had decided against the heart after all. I was a bit too shocked to get all the details. Apparently, they were waiting on the last lab tests to come back, the ones for the off-the-wall stuff that never comes up positive during these screens. As soon as she heard what the result was, she knew it was a no-go. Both of the transplant surgeons agreed. I called Tim and stopped him just minutes before he was going to board a train to come up here.

It's been an emotional rollercoaster to say the least. I really don't know how I'm feeling. When I heard that it wasn't going to happen today, the transplant nurse coordinator asked how I was doing. I, of course, answered that I was okay, it'll be okay. I'll never forget that she just looked at me and said, "Liar." She was right.

As I've been typing, I've been playing a song over and over on the computer. I started this blog remembering the song "You Never Let Go." Lauren and I listen to that song often.

Tonight, I'm listening to John Waller's "While I'm Waiting" from the movie Fireproof.

I'm waiting! I'm waiting on You, LORD!
And, I am hopeful. I'm waiting on You, LORD!
Though it is painful. But patiently, I will wait.
I will move ahead, bold and confident,
taking every step in obedience, while I'm waiting.
I will serve You, while I'm waiting!
I will worship, while I'm waiting!

I really don't know what all I'm feeling tonight -- I'm tired, I'm frustrated, I long to be like the precious three-year-old who was for the most part oblivious to all the excitement and spent the day making glitter messes in the playroom, I wish I were home and not giving Brennan extra hugs over the phone when he couldn't fall asleep, I'm still hopeful, I'm perhaps more hopeful than I was a week ago when this all seemed forever away, I'm wishing that my magic 8-ball would give clearer answers, I'm definitely not giving up hope...

Most of all, I'm confident that God has a plan and that he is in control. A good friend reminds me that God is Good all the time, and all the time God is Good -- GIGATTAATTGIG.

Tomorrow, I'll be moving ahead... while I'm waiting. I pray that I'll be bold and confident. At the very least, I pray that I'll be able to keep moving along fast enough to keep up with a certain three-year-old on a tricycle.


  1. Hey, Cristi, I can't say that I have any real or true idea of what you're feeling but I wanted you to know that I've been feeling all out sorts since yesterday and you, Lauren and you're whole family have been on my heart and in my prayers. Wish I could give you a great big hug in person.

  2. ((((((HUGS))))))))
    I wish I could send you a magic cloak...hold Lauren tight and give her a big hug from all of us...
    - Heidi & P 9/97

  3. Many hugs and prayers for you, Lauren, and your family.

  4. Lots of hugs and prayers going out to you and your family, Cristi! Any chance you could let out some of that frustration somewhere? Anyplace outside where you could give a good ole' holler and no one would be there to look at you sideways? Don't forget to take good care of you while you're taking good care of your family. ;)

    What an amazing nurse that saw right into your heart. I fully believe that Lauren is in the best care facility on the planet. That, and being in God's hands, wow... I think there's a glimmer of truth in your saying, "It'll be okay." Amen.


  6. Yes, Cristi, in spite of all the junk, the emotions, the questioning, the fear... GIGATTAATTGIG!

    I love you!
    See you soon!

  7. Dean & JeanineMarch 21, 2009 at 8:03 AM

    I've been out of town and just read the latest blog of March. We always pray for you and the whole family. May God give each one of you the special strength you need. "I will never leave you." (Hebrews 13)

    Loving you from afar,
    Dean & Jeanine Bryce

  8. Found you through the KFA website. I am praying that Lauren is comfortable and her transplant happens soon! Hang in there!!!

  9. ((((HUGS)))) You are one of the bravest moms I have ever known! I admire your resolve to serve and worship SO much! I am praying that God will cradle you and Tim in His Presence in a way where you feel untouched by all that is going on. I am praying for you to rest when you sleep, and I am praying for a heart for Lauren! Psalm 139 has gotten me through some really tough times (nothing like what you are experiencing, though). I'm going to write it here for you:
    Psalm 139
    1 You have searched me, LORD,
    and you know me.

    2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.

    3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.

    4 Before a word is on my tongue
    you, LORD, know it completely.

    5 You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.

    6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

    7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?

    8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

    9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,

    10 even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.

    11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,"

    12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

    13 For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother's womb.

    14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.

    15 My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place.
    When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

    16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
    All the days ordained for me
    were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.

    17 How precious to me are your thoughts, [a] God!
    How vast is the sum of them!

    18 Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.

    19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
    Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!

    20 They speak of you with evil intent;
    your adversaries misuse your name.

    21 Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD,
    and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?

    22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
    I count them my enemies.

    23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.

    24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.



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